"Erm, did that person...what's his name...we met him yesterday....get back to you about putting that thing on the cabinet..." What person? What thing? Why don't people think before they say something? Pure laziness. You've already got someone's attention so speak properly. That sentence just said makes no sense whatsoever and leaves the other person wondering what it was all about in the first place. Better not to have said anything at all.
As the saying goes "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" and in this case "If you don't have anything new and relevant to add, don't say anything at all". The amount of times (which funnily has increased tremendously since moving countries) when people open their mouths for the sheer sake of it has astounded me. They have more or less repeated the same thing someone else has said a few minutes ago or feels the need to hear their own voice or remind other people they're still there. Waste of time.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Sounds Easy
I'm wondering what to do. Wondering what I can do. It sounds so easy. Understand what you are good at, what you are bad at, what you are passionate about and make it your job. Hmm....
I wish I knew. People have told me what I'm good at. Even more have told me what I'm bad at. :) Not really sure what I'm passionate about. I'm more of a jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none. Can I make a living out of that? I really don't know.
I've toyed with the idea of this years ago but I was very happy in what I was doing and could see all the things I was learning. There was no point getting out of it. I'm now thinking about this idea a lot more seriously. Like several times a day sometimes, which can be very negative and obsessive! What I need to figure out is what I should do instead. I know what I want and what I don't want. I just need to find out what I can do to make it all happen and the right time for all this to happen.
Sounds easy but it's not! It's been stumping me for ages!
I wish I knew. People have told me what I'm good at. Even more have told me what I'm bad at. :) Not really sure what I'm passionate about. I'm more of a jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none. Can I make a living out of that? I really don't know.
I've toyed with the idea of this years ago but I was very happy in what I was doing and could see all the things I was learning. There was no point getting out of it. I'm now thinking about this idea a lot more seriously. Like several times a day sometimes, which can be very negative and obsessive! What I need to figure out is what I should do instead. I know what I want and what I don't want. I just need to find out what I can do to make it all happen and the right time for all this to happen.
Sounds easy but it's not! It's been stumping me for ages!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Continuing the Uncertainty
I remember all the uncertainty I had about relocation and whether it was the right thing to do. I thought we made the decision and then all else would follow on. Ah, how naive I was.
The uncertainty continues. Every step of the way. Almost, if not every day. I still wonder if we did the right thing. I still feel very much like I don't belong. I have prayed for God to tell me what His plan is. Surely He has a reason for why I am here. I am still trying to find out what it is. I hope I've not been so blind as to miss His plan! Is it to make me appreciate even more what I had before? Because I've always appreciated what I had before. Really.
Each time I go back, I realise how good it was and how I could have continued with it. And how nothing now compares to it. In everything. Sure, there are good and bad as with everything but the good for me there was really good and the bad for me was very tolerable. Not so here. I try not to live my life comparing my life before with my life now. Surely it will be different but it's quite difficult when it's different in the wrong direction! I guess the only consolation is that I now know that if it had been my decision, it would have been the right one. And others are beginning to realise that too. Shame it was not realised before as it would have saved a lot of this!
With the uncertainty now comes people telling me not to do certain things because it is certain the decision will change. All very well and I have to keep biting my tongue to say "I told you so". But I can't live my life to continue being unsettled and not doing certain things just because the decision will change. That means that I can't live each moment to its fullest. Because what's the point? It will change anyways. In which case, why not give it all up now? To which many will tell me I can't either. One just can't win. It's so annoying when people interfere. Ugh.
The uncertainty continues. Every step of the way. Almost, if not every day. I still wonder if we did the right thing. I still feel very much like I don't belong. I have prayed for God to tell me what His plan is. Surely He has a reason for why I am here. I am still trying to find out what it is. I hope I've not been so blind as to miss His plan! Is it to make me appreciate even more what I had before? Because I've always appreciated what I had before. Really.
Each time I go back, I realise how good it was and how I could have continued with it. And how nothing now compares to it. In everything. Sure, there are good and bad as with everything but the good for me there was really good and the bad for me was very tolerable. Not so here. I try not to live my life comparing my life before with my life now. Surely it will be different but it's quite difficult when it's different in the wrong direction! I guess the only consolation is that I now know that if it had been my decision, it would have been the right one. And others are beginning to realise that too. Shame it was not realised before as it would have saved a lot of this!
With the uncertainty now comes people telling me not to do certain things because it is certain the decision will change. All very well and I have to keep biting my tongue to say "I told you so". But I can't live my life to continue being unsettled and not doing certain things just because the decision will change. That means that I can't live each moment to its fullest. Because what's the point? It will change anyways. In which case, why not give it all up now? To which many will tell me I can't either. One just can't win. It's so annoying when people interfere. Ugh.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
It seems silly
I don't know why I feel like this. It's not like I am starving, in poverty, in any sort of huge problem. Yet, I feel sad and void. I really should feel blessed. I have so much. I have people who love me. I have people who look out for me. I keep telling myself that but it does not work.
It seems silly thinking back about little problems. Things that may not even have happened. It is silly to worry about stupid things.
Lord, I commit these stupid little worries to You. Please give me the wisdom to realise how stupid it all is and how stupid I would be to let it affect me.
It seems silly thinking back about little problems. Things that may not even have happened. It is silly to worry about stupid things.
Lord, I commit these stupid little worries to You. Please give me the wisdom to realise how stupid it all is and how stupid I would be to let it affect me.
Monday, September 07, 2009
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Choice to be Useless
Why do some people choose to be useless? I'm talking about people who have fully functional limbs and brain, as far as I can tell. Why do they choose to be dependent on others?
You are lucky to be blessed with hands that can pick up the telephone to book your car service, to have a voice to ask the question yourself, have access to technology to login to the Internet and book accommodation/flights yourself, legs to bring you to the shop to buy/collect whatever it is you need, ears to listen to instructions so you know how to operate the computer / lift / phone / etc and a combination of motor functions to drive a car yourself.
Why do some people pretend to be incapable of doing the simplest of tasks? To pretend that they can't do it? Simply because they are too lazy. Most of the time because they can get away with having someone else do it.
Be ashamed of yourselves. If you can't lift the cupboard hence need help from someone stronger? Fair enough. If you're not tall enough to reach to the top of the shelf and there is not a chair in sight, so need someone taller to help? Ok.
Especially be ashamed that you are healthy and fit, yet choose not to use what God has blessed you with, in order to function properly in life. Be ashamed that there are other less healthy people in the world who can do all these things and more. Because they have the right attitude. Because they are not lazy.
Be ashamed if you use your gender or age to your advantage too. I know of a 20+year old woman who got others to book her ticket and fly the same airline as her (even though it was more expensive and took longer) just so she can get air miles on her trip. Shame also on the rest who stupidly followed through. The same woman gets gentlemen to do her errands she is perfectly capable of doing herself. Shame on these gentlemen who do not think with their proper head. I know of another older woman (but not so old that she is hard of hearing, or has sight issues or has motor issues) who is dependent on others to go for meals so she does not have to choose the restaurant herself. I know of a woman who had to bring someone else along to carry a small box - which weighed perhaps 2kg? I know of a man in his 60s who is capable of driving himself on the 2hr journey to the capital, but incapable of driving his mother on the same journey (no additional equipment needed except for space for one extra person of which his car is big enough to handle).
Shame on all of you if you choose to be useless. And shame also on those of you who allow these people to be useless. If you pander to their requests for help simply because they are too lazy to do it themselves, shame on you. You are encouraging one to be lazy. That help would be better suited to help those who really need the help, like the elderly, disabled, uneducated...
If one is too lazy to be useful for themselves, my stance is 'Too Bad'. If you can't be bothered to do it yourself, then it obviously isn't important enough for you. Call me harsh, but I'm not going to waste my time helping lazy people - I will help those who do need help.
You are lucky to be blessed with hands that can pick up the telephone to book your car service, to have a voice to ask the question yourself, have access to technology to login to the Internet and book accommodation/flights yourself, legs to bring you to the shop to buy/collect whatever it is you need, ears to listen to instructions so you know how to operate the computer / lift / phone / etc and a combination of motor functions to drive a car yourself.
Why do some people pretend to be incapable of doing the simplest of tasks? To pretend that they can't do it? Simply because they are too lazy. Most of the time because they can get away with having someone else do it.
Be ashamed of yourselves. If you can't lift the cupboard hence need help from someone stronger? Fair enough. If you're not tall enough to reach to the top of the shelf and there is not a chair in sight, so need someone taller to help? Ok.
Especially be ashamed that you are healthy and fit, yet choose not to use what God has blessed you with, in order to function properly in life. Be ashamed that there are other less healthy people in the world who can do all these things and more. Because they have the right attitude. Because they are not lazy.
Be ashamed if you use your gender or age to your advantage too. I know of a 20+year old woman who got others to book her ticket and fly the same airline as her (even though it was more expensive and took longer) just so she can get air miles on her trip. Shame also on the rest who stupidly followed through. The same woman gets gentlemen to do her errands she is perfectly capable of doing herself. Shame on these gentlemen who do not think with their proper head. I know of another older woman (but not so old that she is hard of hearing, or has sight issues or has motor issues) who is dependent on others to go for meals so she does not have to choose the restaurant herself. I know of a woman who had to bring someone else along to carry a small box - which weighed perhaps 2kg? I know of a man in his 60s who is capable of driving himself on the 2hr journey to the capital, but incapable of driving his mother on the same journey (no additional equipment needed except for space for one extra person of which his car is big enough to handle).
Shame on all of you if you choose to be useless. And shame also on those of you who allow these people to be useless. If you pander to their requests for help simply because they are too lazy to do it themselves, shame on you. You are encouraging one to be lazy. That help would be better suited to help those who really need the help, like the elderly, disabled, uneducated...
If one is too lazy to be useful for themselves, my stance is 'Too Bad'. If you can't be bothered to do it yourself, then it obviously isn't important enough for you. Call me harsh, but I'm not going to waste my time helping lazy people - I will help those who do need help.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Need to read more
As I flicked through magazines yesterday during lunch, I realised how little I actually read these days. Ashamed as I am to say this, I actually browse through the pictures to see if anything catches my fancy before I read in more detail. When I realised this halfway through the browse, I tried forcing myself to read the next article. And I was too tired to!
My oh my. These weren't even technical journals. They were women's magazines, which as anyone would know, is hardly difficult to read! How I used to have my nose buried in a book, unable to put it down. I could usually be found sitting in the aisles of a bookstore reading the books (hence saving money as I could finish the book in the store and thus not have to buy it.)
I went through a phase of not allowing myself to read, in case I fell to my habit of not putting the book down until I've finished it - usually at the expense of sleep. Then a wise colleague encouraged me back to the love of reading and there I was, week after week, looking through the shelves of the library.
So what happened this time? I don't know, really. Just laziness, I suppose. I could blame the lack of good libraries here. But perhaps I didn't really go bother looking anyways. Perhaps it's time I tried again.
My oh my. These weren't even technical journals. They were women's magazines, which as anyone would know, is hardly difficult to read! How I used to have my nose buried in a book, unable to put it down. I could usually be found sitting in the aisles of a bookstore reading the books (hence saving money as I could finish the book in the store and thus not have to buy it.)
I went through a phase of not allowing myself to read, in case I fell to my habit of not putting the book down until I've finished it - usually at the expense of sleep. Then a wise colleague encouraged me back to the love of reading and there I was, week after week, looking through the shelves of the library.
So what happened this time? I don't know, really. Just laziness, I suppose. I could blame the lack of good libraries here. But perhaps I didn't really go bother looking anyways. Perhaps it's time I tried again.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Offended at THAT???
I had an almost nasty encounter with a titled-person this morning. It is funny that people take offence at the weirdest things. Get all high and mighty because they believe you infer something else that you actually did not even think about, but was just giving factual information. It stems all from your own insecurity and inferiority, m'dear. It doesn't bother me anymore. Get offended if you wish. Just in case no one has told you (or has dared to tell you), your title doesn't actually count for much to educated people and definitely nothing outside the area you are in. Try mentioning that title to people outside this area, and they would think it's your first name! So, if you want to get offended, feel free to get your blood pressure up and all stressy. It's ok by me!
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Reflecting on the title
When I first started this blog, it was meant for me to jot down my thoughts and also share what I have been to. For whoever who wanted to read. Recently, I reread a lot of old posts. I realised that of late, my posts have been rants. Yes, it is still me jotting down my thoughts but those are now more of frustration and anger.
I am sorry. Realise it does not make for happy reading. Or maybe you do laugh - at all the lil things I get frustrated about. I guess the blog has taken on a slightly different objective. Not so much sharing what I have been up to in terms of activities, hols or things of that sort. More of an outlet for my frustrations so that I don't go insane keeping them in me or drive hubby and friends bored to tears (or less so) with my rants.
If it bores you, then please don't read such posts. Though I think most of the new posts will be of that sort.
I am sorry. Realise it does not make for happy reading. Or maybe you do laugh - at all the lil things I get frustrated about. I guess the blog has taken on a slightly different objective. Not so much sharing what I have been up to in terms of activities, hols or things of that sort. More of an outlet for my frustrations so that I don't go insane keeping them in me or drive hubby and friends bored to tears (or less so) with my rants.
If it bores you, then please don't read such posts. Though I think most of the new posts will be of that sort.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Look in the mirror
Some people should learn to self-reflect more. You want to preach something, make sure you are doing the same thing. You are not above the law, ok? Tell me all about being self sufficient and not ask for too much blah blah, and what do you do less than an hour later? Asking me for things that I'd given before, and totally not aware that this was against what you had just said.
With all you've gone through, you are supposed to know more. Both in knowledge and soft skills. Try showing some. Stop stooping to levels so low that I would not even think possible before. If you are insecure about yourself, that's your problem. Stop trying to make other people look incompetent. Learn some respect for yourself.
I've had enough. I am holding it in because I don't see the need to be petty. But continue pushing me. Go on. See what my limits are. Perhaps this is a good way for me to see my own limits too. But trust you me, I do have my limits. Try pushing some more.
With all you've gone through, you are supposed to know more. Both in knowledge and soft skills. Try showing some. Stop stooping to levels so low that I would not even think possible before. If you are insecure about yourself, that's your problem. Stop trying to make other people look incompetent. Learn some respect for yourself.
I've had enough. I am holding it in because I don't see the need to be petty. But continue pushing me. Go on. See what my limits are. Perhaps this is a good way for me to see my own limits too. But trust you me, I do have my limits. Try pushing some more.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Don't Give Me That
Don't give me that arsy, sarky attitude. I try and help. Don't give me that smirk. The arsy comment. The "whatever" attitude. The spiel about ALNA.
It's not my fault and you know that. If you are annoyed, give that @*#$ to whoever's fault it is. Not anyone else. All I was trying to do is to try and rectify things. Yes, things are uncertain and we don't know for sure. But hey, if you want to just sit there and wait until things are sure before you start planning for either eventuality, you go do just that. It's a simple scenario. If it happens, we do this. If it doesn't happen, we do that. That's simple enough. You can say you agree or disagree with it. I'm ok with the disagreement. Not that smirk, arsy comment and attitude.
Whatever you did not want to happen, happened. It was not a life/death situation - far from it. I'm not saying that means it's not important. All I'm doing is putting it in context here. You want to continue sitting there and stewing because it didn't go as planned. Do that. You do just that. Yourself. Alone. Don't take it out on anyone else whose fault it was not. Don't raise their blood pressure just because you can't handle it. I want to try and see how to make things better. What's the point of stewing and stressing without any action to resolve or minimise damage?
Whatever. Just strengthened my resolve not to bother helping. Do it yourself.
It's not my fault and you know that. If you are annoyed, give that @*#$ to whoever's fault it is. Not anyone else. All I was trying to do is to try and rectify things. Yes, things are uncertain and we don't know for sure. But hey, if you want to just sit there and wait until things are sure before you start planning for either eventuality, you go do just that. It's a simple scenario. If it happens, we do this. If it doesn't happen, we do that. That's simple enough. You can say you agree or disagree with it. I'm ok with the disagreement. Not that smirk, arsy comment and attitude.
Whatever you did not want to happen, happened. It was not a life/death situation - far from it. I'm not saying that means it's not important. All I'm doing is putting it in context here. You want to continue sitting there and stewing because it didn't go as planned. Do that. You do just that. Yourself. Alone. Don't take it out on anyone else whose fault it was not. Don't raise their blood pressure just because you can't handle it. I want to try and see how to make things better. What's the point of stewing and stressing without any action to resolve or minimise damage?
Whatever. Just strengthened my resolve not to bother helping. Do it yourself.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Head in the Sand
You know what? I don't care. Well, I used to. But I'm going to stop caring.
Why can't some people look beyond the self? Look at the bigger impact. Hey, you know, maybe just one more person aside from yourself. I am tired of trying to be helpful to others, trying to think of the "bigger picture". Trying to achieve the same goal. What happens? People expect you to be like this all the time. You get taken advantage of. You get asked to do all the rubbish stuff. Work piles up because you hardly get through your pile of work since you are trying to handle more urgent tasks elsewhere. All in the name of thinking that you are all working towards the same goal. Umm...well yes, it works if it's other's responsibilities you are supposed to help out on, but not when it's yours.
I am tired. Tired of trying to be equal. Tired of trying to be helpful. Tired of thinking of others.
Why do some people think some tasks are beneath them? What's wrong with taking out the garbage yourself? Or answering the phone? Or photocopying? Or folding your own clothes? Or going to the bank, post office, wherever? Or answering the door? Why are some people so stuck in their minds that their time is so much more valuable that they can't do these things but they should leave it to the driver/ maid/ underlings to do?
I respect those at the top who truly operate in a non-hierarchical way. I mean this in family, work, team, company etc. Yes, there should be certain roles for certain people. But this does not mean the belief that you "should not do such things" either because 1) it is not your responsibility or 2) it is not becoming of someone in your position to do a lowly task like that.
Great leaders are those who earn respect not by being hierarchical or instilling fear in others. Great leaders are those who earn respect by being one of the team and not being afraid to lend a hand - whether it is to dig a hole, wash the car, write meeting minutes, carry the groceries/bags.
You know what? Get over yourself and just try to work for the mutual objective. If you want to stick your head in the sand and just focus on your own lil' things... fine, we can all do the same. Let us all stick our heads in the sand, not care about each other, any common goals/objectives and just operate that way. Wouldn't life be fun.
Why can't some people look beyond the self? Look at the bigger impact. Hey, you know, maybe just one more person aside from yourself. I am tired of trying to be helpful to others, trying to think of the "bigger picture". Trying to achieve the same goal. What happens? People expect you to be like this all the time. You get taken advantage of. You get asked to do all the rubbish stuff. Work piles up because you hardly get through your pile of work since you are trying to handle more urgent tasks elsewhere. All in the name of thinking that you are all working towards the same goal. Umm...well yes, it works if it's other's responsibilities you are supposed to help out on, but not when it's yours.
I am tired. Tired of trying to be equal. Tired of trying to be helpful. Tired of thinking of others.
Why do some people think some tasks are beneath them? What's wrong with taking out the garbage yourself? Or answering the phone? Or photocopying? Or folding your own clothes? Or going to the bank, post office, wherever? Or answering the door? Why are some people so stuck in their minds that their time is so much more valuable that they can't do these things but they should leave it to the driver/ maid/ underlings to do?
I respect those at the top who truly operate in a non-hierarchical way. I mean this in family, work, team, company etc. Yes, there should be certain roles for certain people. But this does not mean the belief that you "should not do such things" either because 1) it is not your responsibility or 2) it is not becoming of someone in your position to do a lowly task like that.
Great leaders are those who earn respect not by being hierarchical or instilling fear in others. Great leaders are those who earn respect by being one of the team and not being afraid to lend a hand - whether it is to dig a hole, wash the car, write meeting minutes, carry the groceries/bags.
You know what? Get over yourself and just try to work for the mutual objective. If you want to stick your head in the sand and just focus on your own lil' things... fine, we can all do the same. Let us all stick our heads in the sand, not care about each other, any common goals/objectives and just operate that way. Wouldn't life be fun.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Why oh why
Why oh why do people need to have a say in everything? I want my independence. I don't feel the need to answer and justify to anyone except God.
Lessons in Logic
Received the following email from my sister-in-law and it cracked me up. Hope it does the same for you!
Lessons in Logic
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
..........................................................................
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
..........................................................................
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
..........................................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
..........................................................................
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
..........................................................................
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
..........................................................................
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
..........................................................................
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
..........................................................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
..........................................................................
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
..........................................................................
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
..........................................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops..
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
Friday, February 06, 2009
Just Let Me Be
I know myself. I know my limits. Just let me be. You know I will push myself. You have seen me do that. But I don't do well when others push me and give well-intentioned advice. Just leave me alone. At my own pace.
Monday, January 26, 2009
One Way God has Worked in My Life
Last week's sermon at church made me realise how God had really worked in my life.
I remembered the first time I was really really down. A piece of news was delivered to me which whilst it did not catch me by total surprise, still made me choke. I could not breathe. My stomach hurt in a funny way it had not ached before. I did not know what to think and for lack of knowing what to do, I got my car keys and just drove - just to get out. The next day and following days, I threw myself into work. Despite working 11-hour day 6-7 days a week for the past 10months, I made myself concentrate even more on work. That, I believed, would help me. In a way, perhaps it did, but I now realise how wrong that solution was.
Fast forward a few years later when I was in a similar situation. By then, God had started to work in me. I remember when the initial thought came that the situation was potentially repeating itself, I was in our homegroup retreat and I was staring out at the fields. And instead of feeling the way I did before, I remember how I just prayed days and months that whatever the outcome was, it was what He wanted. Even if it was not the outcome I wanted. I did not get the choking, the breathlessness and the strange stomachache. I did not run out and immerse myself in running, driving or working. I just felt calm. I may be losing something I worked very hard on, but I was not as distressed as I was before. I remember committing it to Him and saying that He should take it if it was meant to, and to help me deal with the consequences in the right way. In the end, God made sure I did not lose it. I trusted in Him. I did lose other things in the process, but I believe that was meant to be - showing me others' true colours despite all that has happened.
I did not realise the differences in my reaction to two very similar situations until the sermon - that it was down to God's work. I had thought before that it was because I became better at handling these things. How self-centred that was! I still wonder about certain things in those two situations. I don't think I will ever know the full picture. When I'm feeling a bit uncertain or down, I think back to the little details and ask myself 'why', 'what did it mean', 'should I have done it differently', etc. And because of that, I will remind myself of the following poem as some of the lines hold true to this current post, and the rest are true to my previous post 'Reflection'. I realise how I used to be able to focus on the positive, and I want to get back there.
Think of the things that make you happy
not of the things that make sad
Think of the fine and true in mankind
not its sordid side and bad
Think of the blessings that surround you
not the ones that are denied
Think of the virtues of your friendships
not the weak and faulty side
Think of the gains you've made
not the losses you've incurred
Think of the days of health and pleasure
not the days of woe and pain
Think of the days alive with sunshine
not the dismal days of rain
Think of the hopes that lie before you
not the waste that lies behind
Think of the treasures you have gathered
not the ones you've failed to find
Think of the service you may render
not of serving self alone
Think of the happiness of others
and in this you will find your own
by Robert Farley
I remembered the first time I was really really down. A piece of news was delivered to me which whilst it did not catch me by total surprise, still made me choke. I could not breathe. My stomach hurt in a funny way it had not ached before. I did not know what to think and for lack of knowing what to do, I got my car keys and just drove - just to get out. The next day and following days, I threw myself into work. Despite working 11-hour day 6-7 days a week for the past 10months, I made myself concentrate even more on work. That, I believed, would help me. In a way, perhaps it did, but I now realise how wrong that solution was.
Fast forward a few years later when I was in a similar situation. By then, God had started to work in me. I remember when the initial thought came that the situation was potentially repeating itself, I was in our homegroup retreat and I was staring out at the fields. And instead of feeling the way I did before, I remember how I just prayed days and months that whatever the outcome was, it was what He wanted. Even if it was not the outcome I wanted. I did not get the choking, the breathlessness and the strange stomachache. I did not run out and immerse myself in running, driving or working. I just felt calm. I may be losing something I worked very hard on, but I was not as distressed as I was before. I remember committing it to Him and saying that He should take it if it was meant to, and to help me deal with the consequences in the right way. In the end, God made sure I did not lose it. I trusted in Him. I did lose other things in the process, but I believe that was meant to be - showing me others' true colours despite all that has happened.
I did not realise the differences in my reaction to two very similar situations until the sermon - that it was down to God's work. I had thought before that it was because I became better at handling these things. How self-centred that was! I still wonder about certain things in those two situations. I don't think I will ever know the full picture. When I'm feeling a bit uncertain or down, I think back to the little details and ask myself 'why', 'what did it mean', 'should I have done it differently', etc. And because of that, I will remind myself of the following poem as some of the lines hold true to this current post, and the rest are true to my previous post 'Reflection'. I realise how I used to be able to focus on the positive, and I want to get back there.
Think of the things that make you happy
not of the things that make sad
Think of the fine and true in mankind
not its sordid side and bad
Think of the blessings that surround you
not the ones that are denied
Think of the virtues of your friendships
not the weak and faulty side
Think of the gains you've made
not the losses you've incurred
Think of the days of health and pleasure
not the days of woe and pain
Think of the days alive with sunshine
not the dismal days of rain
Think of the hopes that lie before you
not the waste that lies behind
Think of the treasures you have gathered
not the ones you've failed to find
Think of the service you may render
not of serving self alone
Think of the happiness of others
and in this you will find your own
by Robert Farley
Saturday, January 17, 2009
It's good to be back blogging
It feels good to start blogging again. Like a release.
And the week looked up too. Hope it is on the way up.
And the week looked up too. Hope it is on the way up.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Reflection
Only one post in 2008. Almost a year ago. I keep meaning to update the blog but for one reason or another, decided not to. Laziness was a factor, but not the only one. It has been a year of changes and a year of settling down. Or at least trying to.
It has been fab being in the same place as B. Being under the same roof, being able to see each other everyday, spending time together... Not forgetting our families and being able to spend a lot more time with them. And being able to meet up regularly with our good friends. In that respect it has been good.
But I still miss what I had previously. I try hard not to compare and reminisce. I try and try not be annoyed at the driving, at the traffic, the incompetence and arrogance of people, the small-mindedness, the tunnel vision, the inefficiencies.... I tell myself that God has a plan for me here. But I am weak. I can't help but compare at times.
I miss my financial independence. Everything I had before had been with my own money. Since starting work, I did not need to take any money from my parents, whether in form of rent, food, holidays, clothes. I was even able to contribute more to them. Now, working in a country where the spending power is abysmal, I find it difficult to attain my financial independence again despite being in an ok job. Buying things, especially those of decent quality, used to be a given before, but now it is a luxury. Lest you think I am a spoilt brat, I am not talking about the Guccis, Pradas, Choos, Ferragamos, Blahniks.... I am talking about decent quality chicken, beef, pork, pasta, salmon, ice-cream.... My grocery bills used to be in lower end of double-digits. Now, if I were to buy the same things here, it is in triple digits. And my salary hasn't increased in that proportion!
I miss my own space. My room, my share of the house, the garden. B's family have been superb in accepting me in the house - don't get me wrong. But I guess I have my own pride and I like my own space. Where I can decorate however I want. Where I can just laze. Just vegging out in front of the tele watching cookery programmes (yes, my social life is that fantastic but hey, I enjoy it!). Having friends over regularly to chat and cook.
I miss my colleagues and my teams. My seniors - whether directors or partners who gave me all the opportunities yet being there at the right time should I need them. All their professionalism. I miss all their focused determination and independence. Met deadlines. How they just got on and do their jobs. Well. Not thinking of excuses. Not using me as an emotional crutch. Wasting time talking about non-business stuff. I can take that - but at lunch or dinner or anywhere outside the office. For me, work is work. And if you need to relate a non-relevant story, relate it just once. Not five times. I can't pretend to be interested each time. I miss not being nagged to. I didn't realise it was possible. To be nagged to when it's not your fault, but because they just need to nag to someone instead of the person who has done wrong. Or perhaps they have, but they still want to nag. I used to try and help out and say 'Happy to discuss'. I stopped that. Because I realised that 'discuss' would include (a lot of) non-relevant stuff. Which takes up precious work time. I never though I would cringe at 'Let's discuss', 'Come, let me give you the background'. Fine if it really is just that, but ultimately it includes far too much history (mostly irrelevant for that time). And I stopped trying to help out in everything. Because I realised that sneakily, those added onto my responsibilities. I hate being punished in that way for trying to be efficient and enthusiastic.
I miss the friends I had. Yes, when I was over there, I missed my friends here. But over here, I miss my friends there too. Guess I just want everything. The regular catch-ups and jewellery making sessions with the crazy girls. The gossips with ex-colleagues. I miss being able to talk to colleagues outside work about non-work stuff. I really can't understand why people always need to talk about work outside work. It is soooooo .....boring! I miss the drives out to try different good restaurants. The weekend trips to take in the scenery and take photos. The butchers, the supermarkets, the high street shops....
I miss decent food and decent service. We are at the same restaurants or cafes every week simply because we have no other choice! To the point where yes, we like the food and the service, but we are bored! And it is a bit embarassing when they know your order even before you sit down!
I don't understand why people have to impart their opinions on your life all the time. What you should eat, which route you should take when you drive somewhere, where you should shop, where you should live, the house you should buy. Usually, people provide suggestions on where they have been which they thought was good. But here, everyone insists that their favourite restaurant is the best, or that this route is the fastest. All these, already subjective discussions, are not aided by the issue that this country is so fickle and disorganised.
I don't like how one has to drop names to get service. And that they are proud of it too! I hate to have to say I'm so-and-so just so I get seated first, or get the better table, or get better rates. I think if one has to do that, it already suggests bad service in my books. Because they can't provide the same efficient and good service to everyone. Names are also dropped to show association. Why? Who cares if you know so-and-so lives in that house, or drives that type of car, or shops there? And these 'names' dropped, are not even big in the global scheme of things.
I miss my church. But I am glad I found one that we have settled in temporarily.
I miss proper driving. I was taught defensive driving and how to drive by assuming others are stupid. But I never thought I'd have to use it. Oh boy, this is one place that those definitely come in handy.
I miss organisation, structure and non-corruption (if there is such a word). Where things are properly laid out. Where you know where the information is written. Not being passed from one to another and at the end, you still don't get the information you are looking for.
How terrible to start off 2009 with a post like this. But these were feelings I had in 2008 which I tried to push away. I hope 2009 will be a better year. I hope we can settle down more. There are things that cannot be changed. But I hope that I can make the most of things.
It has been fab being in the same place as B. Being under the same roof, being able to see each other everyday, spending time together... Not forgetting our families and being able to spend a lot more time with them. And being able to meet up regularly with our good friends. In that respect it has been good.
But I still miss what I had previously. I try hard not to compare and reminisce. I try and try not be annoyed at the driving, at the traffic, the incompetence and arrogance of people, the small-mindedness, the tunnel vision, the inefficiencies.... I tell myself that God has a plan for me here. But I am weak. I can't help but compare at times.
I miss my financial independence. Everything I had before had been with my own money. Since starting work, I did not need to take any money from my parents, whether in form of rent, food, holidays, clothes. I was even able to contribute more to them. Now, working in a country where the spending power is abysmal, I find it difficult to attain my financial independence again despite being in an ok job. Buying things, especially those of decent quality, used to be a given before, but now it is a luxury. Lest you think I am a spoilt brat, I am not talking about the Guccis, Pradas, Choos, Ferragamos, Blahniks.... I am talking about decent quality chicken, beef, pork, pasta, salmon, ice-cream.... My grocery bills used to be in lower end of double-digits. Now, if I were to buy the same things here, it is in triple digits. And my salary hasn't increased in that proportion!
I miss my own space. My room, my share of the house, the garden. B's family have been superb in accepting me in the house - don't get me wrong. But I guess I have my own pride and I like my own space. Where I can decorate however I want. Where I can just laze. Just vegging out in front of the tele watching cookery programmes (yes, my social life is that fantastic but hey, I enjoy it!). Having friends over regularly to chat and cook.
I miss my colleagues and my teams. My seniors - whether directors or partners who gave me all the opportunities yet being there at the right time should I need them. All their professionalism. I miss all their focused determination and independence. Met deadlines. How they just got on and do their jobs. Well. Not thinking of excuses. Not using me as an emotional crutch. Wasting time talking about non-business stuff. I can take that - but at lunch or dinner or anywhere outside the office. For me, work is work. And if you need to relate a non-relevant story, relate it just once. Not five times. I can't pretend to be interested each time. I miss not being nagged to. I didn't realise it was possible. To be nagged to when it's not your fault, but because they just need to nag to someone instead of the person who has done wrong. Or perhaps they have, but they still want to nag. I used to try and help out and say 'Happy to discuss'. I stopped that. Because I realised that 'discuss' would include (a lot of) non-relevant stuff. Which takes up precious work time. I never though I would cringe at 'Let's discuss', 'Come, let me give you the background'. Fine if it really is just that, but ultimately it includes far too much history (mostly irrelevant for that time). And I stopped trying to help out in everything. Because I realised that sneakily, those added onto my responsibilities. I hate being punished in that way for trying to be efficient and enthusiastic.
I miss the friends I had. Yes, when I was over there, I missed my friends here. But over here, I miss my friends there too. Guess I just want everything. The regular catch-ups and jewellery making sessions with the crazy girls. The gossips with ex-colleagues. I miss being able to talk to colleagues outside work about non-work stuff. I really can't understand why people always need to talk about work outside work. It is soooooo .....boring! I miss the drives out to try different good restaurants. The weekend trips to take in the scenery and take photos. The butchers, the supermarkets, the high street shops....
I miss decent food and decent service. We are at the same restaurants or cafes every week simply because we have no other choice! To the point where yes, we like the food and the service, but we are bored! And it is a bit embarassing when they know your order even before you sit down!
I don't understand why people have to impart their opinions on your life all the time. What you should eat, which route you should take when you drive somewhere, where you should shop, where you should live, the house you should buy. Usually, people provide suggestions on where they have been which they thought was good. But here, everyone insists that their favourite restaurant is the best, or that this route is the fastest. All these, already subjective discussions, are not aided by the issue that this country is so fickle and disorganised.
I don't like how one has to drop names to get service. And that they are proud of it too! I hate to have to say I'm so-and-so just so I get seated first, or get the better table, or get better rates. I think if one has to do that, it already suggests bad service in my books. Because they can't provide the same efficient and good service to everyone. Names are also dropped to show association. Why? Who cares if you know so-and-so lives in that house, or drives that type of car, or shops there? And these 'names' dropped, are not even big in the global scheme of things.
I miss my church. But I am glad I found one that we have settled in temporarily.
I miss proper driving. I was taught defensive driving and how to drive by assuming others are stupid. But I never thought I'd have to use it. Oh boy, this is one place that those definitely come in handy.
I miss organisation, structure and non-corruption (if there is such a word). Where things are properly laid out. Where you know where the information is written. Not being passed from one to another and at the end, you still don't get the information you are looking for.
How terrible to start off 2009 with a post like this. But these were feelings I had in 2008 which I tried to push away. I hope 2009 will be a better year. I hope we can settle down more. There are things that cannot be changed. But I hope that I can make the most of things.
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