One Way God has Worked in My Life

Last week's sermon at church made me realise how God had really worked in my life.

I remembered the first time I was really really down. A piece of news was delivered to me which whilst it did not catch me by total surprise, still made me choke. I could not breathe. My stomach hurt in a funny way it had not ached before. I did not know what to think and for lack of knowing what to do, I got my car keys and just drove - just to get out. The next day and following days, I threw myself into work. Despite working 11-hour day 6-7 days a week for the past 10months, I made myself concentrate even more on work. That, I believed, would help me. In a way, perhaps it did, but I now realise how wrong that solution was.

Fast forward a few years later when I was in a similar situation. By then, God had started to work in me. I remember when the initial thought came that the situation was potentially repeating itself, I was in our homegroup retreat and I was staring out at the fields. And instead of feeling the way I did before, I remember how I just prayed days and months that whatever the outcome was, it was what He wanted. Even if it was not the outcome I wanted. I did not get the choking, the breathlessness and the strange stomachache. I did not run out and immerse myself in running, driving or working. I just felt calm. I may be losing something I worked very hard on, but I was not as distressed as I was before. I remember committing it to Him and saying that He should take it if it was meant to, and to help me deal with the consequences in the right way. In the end, God made sure I did not lose it. I trusted in Him. I did lose other things in the process, but I believe that was meant to be - showing me others' true colours despite all that has happened.

I did not realise the differences in my reaction to two very similar situations until the sermon - that it was down to God's work. I had thought before that it was because I became better at handling these things. How self-centred that was! I still wonder about certain things in those two situations. I don't think I will ever know the full picture. When I'm feeling a bit uncertain or down, I think back to the little details and ask myself 'why', 'what did it mean', 'should I have done it differently', etc. And because of that, I will remind myself of the following poem as some of the lines hold true to this current post, and the rest are true to my previous post 'Reflection'. I realise how I used to be able to focus on the positive, and I want to get back there.

Think of the things that make you happy
not of the things that make sad
Think of the fine and true in mankind
not its sordid side and bad
Think of the blessings that surround you
not the ones that are denied
Think of the virtues of your friendships
not the weak and faulty side
Think of the gains you've made
not the losses you've incurred
Think of the days of health and pleasure
not the days of woe and pain
Think of the days alive with sunshine
not the dismal days of rain
Think of the hopes that lie before you
not the waste that lies behind
Think of the treasures you have gathered
not the ones you've failed to find
Think of the service you may render
not of serving self alone
Think of the happiness of others
and in this you will find your own
by Robert Farley

It's good to be back blogging

It feels good to start blogging again. Like a release.

And the week looked up too. Hope it is on the way up.

Reflection

Only one post in 2008. Almost a year ago. I keep meaning to update the blog but for one reason or another, decided not to. Laziness was a factor, but not the only one. It has been a year of changes and a year of settling down. Or at least trying to.

It has been fab being in the same place as B. Being under the same roof, being able to see each other everyday, spending time together... Not forgetting our families and being able to spend a lot more time with them. And being able to meet up regularly with our good friends. In that respect it has been good.

But I still miss what I had previously. I try hard not to compare and reminisce. I try and try not be annoyed at the driving, at the traffic, the incompetence and arrogance of people, the small-mindedness, the tunnel vision, the inefficiencies.... I tell myself that God has a plan for me here. But I am weak. I can't help but compare at times.

I miss my financial independence. Everything I had before had been with my own money. Since starting work, I did not need to take any money from my parents, whether in form of rent, food, holidays, clothes. I was even able to contribute more to them. Now, working in a country where the spending power is abysmal, I find it difficult to attain my financial independence again despite being in an ok job. Buying things, especially those of decent quality, used to be a given before, but now it is a luxury. Lest you think I am a spoilt brat, I am not talking about the Guccis, Pradas, Choos, Ferragamos, Blahniks.... I am talking about decent quality chicken, beef, pork, pasta, salmon, ice-cream.... My grocery bills used to be in lower end of double-digits. Now, if I were to buy the same things here, it is in triple digits. And my salary hasn't increased in that proportion!

I miss my own space. My room, my share of the house, the garden. B's family have been superb in accepting me in the house - don't get me wrong. But I guess I have my own pride and I like my own space. Where I can decorate however I want. Where I can just laze. Just vegging out in front of the tele watching cookery programmes (yes, my social life is that fantastic but hey, I enjoy it!). Having friends over regularly to chat and cook.

I miss my colleagues and my teams. My seniors - whether directors or partners who gave me all the opportunities yet being there at the right time should I need them. All their professionalism. I miss all their focused determination and independence. Met deadlines. How they just got on and do their jobs. Well. Not thinking of excuses. Not using me as an emotional crutch. Wasting time talking about non-business stuff. I can take that - but at lunch or dinner or anywhere outside the office. For me, work is work. And if you need to relate a non-relevant story, relate it just once. Not five times. I can't pretend to be interested each time. I miss not being nagged to. I didn't realise it was possible. To be nagged to when it's not your fault, but because they just need to nag to someone instead of the person who has done wrong. Or perhaps they have, but they still want to nag. I used to try and help out and say 'Happy to discuss'. I stopped that. Because I realised that 'discuss' would include (a lot of) non-relevant stuff. Which takes up precious work time. I never though I would cringe at 'Let's discuss', 'Come, let me give you the background'. Fine if it really is just that, but ultimately it includes far too much history (mostly irrelevant for that time). And I stopped trying to help out in everything. Because I realised that sneakily, those added onto my responsibilities. I hate being punished in that way for trying to be efficient and enthusiastic.

I miss the friends I had. Yes, when I was over there, I missed my friends here. But over here, I miss my friends there too. Guess I just want everything. The regular catch-ups and jewellery making sessions with the crazy girls. The gossips with ex-colleagues. I miss being able to talk to colleagues outside work about non-work stuff. I really can't understand why people always need to talk about work outside work. It is soooooo .....boring! I miss the drives out to try different good restaurants. The weekend trips to take in the scenery and take photos. The butchers, the supermarkets, the high street shops....

I miss decent food and decent service. We are at the same restaurants or cafes every week simply because we have no other choice! To the point where yes, we like the food and the service, but we are bored! And it is a bit embarassing when they know your order even before you sit down!

I don't understand why people have to impart their opinions on your life all the time. What you should eat, which route you should take when you drive somewhere, where you should shop, where you should live, the house you should buy. Usually, people provide suggestions on where they have been which they thought was good. But here, everyone insists that their favourite restaurant is the best, or that this route is the fastest. All these, already subjective discussions, are not aided by the issue that this country is so fickle and disorganised.

I don't like how one has to drop names to get service. And that they are proud of it too! I hate to have to say I'm so-and-so just so I get seated first, or get the better table, or get better rates. I think if one has to do that, it already suggests bad service in my books. Because they can't provide the same efficient and good service to everyone. Names are also dropped to show association. Why? Who cares if you know so-and-so lives in that house, or drives that type of car, or shops there? And these 'names' dropped, are not even big in the global scheme of things.

I miss my church. But I am glad I found one that we have settled in temporarily.

I miss proper driving. I was taught defensive driving and how to drive by assuming others are stupid. But I never thought I'd have to use it. Oh boy, this is one place that those definitely come in handy.

I miss organisation, structure and non-corruption (if there is such a word). Where things are properly laid out. Where you know where the information is written. Not being passed from one to another and at the end, you still don't get the information you are looking for.

How terrible to start off 2009 with a post like this. But these were feelings I had in 2008 which I tried to push away. I hope 2009 will be a better year. I hope we can settle down more. There are things that cannot be changed. But I hope that I can make the most of things.